Phew

My life was pretty much okay in the past few days. Things were going fun, fine and just about all right. You know, without any major upheavals or fiascoes or any unsettling developments.
This statement of course counts out two developments – CD’s moving away to Leh in Ladakh (damn you, Mannat! :-( ), and another one (which, will most probably be described in my next post) – as both were anticipated since quite some time now. Today, I called up a friend to ‘catch-up’; I usually reserve my weekends for tasks such as this. It’s a habit I have acquired recently, very recently. And quite unexpectedly, she stoked an issue which I had consciously kept out of my mind since quite some time now. I cannot afford to be candid about the theme of the conversation at all, but it is slightly upsetting, and have to put it down on my space here.
Have you ever been confronted with a situation wherein you have been bombarded with information about a certain person; information that makes you uncomfortable about being in their vicinity, about their close presence/ association with your life? And I am not talking about instances where you FEEL uncomfortable/ dislike the association with the person. But when your mind is fed with a program that runs something like,

Input,
“This person is not good news.”” .and.
“You shouldn’t be sitting here, placing your trust, confidence, goodwill in them”.
If person= good,
Then, Continue
Else, Exit
Endif
End

In effect, all the ‘information’ advices you against trusting/ liking the person, but your own mind, conscious self has no concrete evidence/ facts to support the information. Quite the contrary, you find small traces of reason to trust them, like them, discover that they are not all that bad. To make matters worse, they seem to place trust and confidence in you. In good faith. Bull….!
And since you have little option in terms of choice of being in the particular situation, you sit there, in the same spot.-With the person whose company you are much-advised against. It can be pretty difficult to be faced with a situation where facts before your eyes do not quite support the overwhelming ‘information’, the nature of which is such that you can’t help but be affected.
You sit there, your heart somewhere goading you to keep trust, faith, and yet your mind keeps questioning that faith. Ordinarily, in any other situation, you would have opted out of the context already, just to save yourself from taking any complicated decisions, and messing your handful of grey cells. But when you can’t. When you simply *have* to be a part of the situation, you find yourself in a dilemma: In my opinion, even mistrusting a person’s intent, and presuming guilt, before his being proven guilty, amounts to treachery of some kind. Some kind of betrayal.

So, this friend (guided not by any malicious intent, but emotions, mostly based on experiences- prejudices?- and one sided stories) fed me a whole lot of information (most of which constituted new flavors of the same old bubble-gum), and I found myself thinking about the person all over again. It is just not a comfortable thing- to not like- people, whom you would like to like. Stupid as that sounds, it is true. Being able to place a certain faith and confidence in some key members of your active social life- at least on a basic character-sketch basis, is extremely important for your health and peace.
The first time I had been confronted with this situation, after initial discomfort, I took a call: to treat the ‘hearsay’ as ‘hearsay’, and move on with life. And I did fine with that ( my confidence in the information being mere ‘hearsay’, strengthened with each passing day, as such information stopped reaching my ears) I guess it happens a lot with me, when story-tellers start realizing that their stories do not get a responsive/eager audience in me. By bringing up this issue again today, this friend filled my mind with some tiny trace of doubt (even though I’d like to believe that I *do* champion the funda of ‘Innocent until proven guilty’, and that, prejudice causes 50% of the world’s problems- in small or large scales- I know that I am not untouched by this disease, in some measure) And maybe not even doubt, but with certain degree of distrust, and suspicion.

And the next time I meet this person, I will be troubled inside. I will shift guiltily, and confused- unable to reciprocate their warm note of greeting (outwardly, of course- who knows the inside sentiment- and who really cares!). Perhaps even unable to reciprocate the trust and faith that they repose in me? Or, seem to. It’s not easy.
Lord, if they be pure in heart and intent – and the accusations be false and untrue. (I pray, I pray!), please forgive me.
And if it all be true, if there is some grain of truth- as to the correctness of their intent, save me. Help me move away.

Not-moved-much-by-anything-these-days..
Ron