Office-Office

Wouldn’t you agree that the world is FULL of stereotype characters? Isn’t almost everyone you know a classic example of a stereotype you’ve always known (I say almost, coz it’s NOT ‘everyone’. Some people in our lives seem to be just soo awesome for us that we can swear by the heavens that God created them as an EXCLUSIVE sample, irreplaceable and non-replicable. Call it bias? :D )

Does not every class in school have a much annoying nerd, who has this incurable desire to sprout out all the ‘right’ answers, before anyone else- inert to the threatening-cum-disgusting looks their batchmates throw at them everytime they do that? Or the one who has this written all over their swagger: “oh-i-am-so-innately-cool-and-brainy-that-using-books—or-lectures-for-my-education-is-an-insult-to-my genius”. Or the one who is a common pain area for all profs and students alike- and yet beyond anyone’s help. How about the Miss/ Mr. Popular- the cheerleader, the captain, the brainy-yet-non-nerdy-star who scores in all fronts- looks, brains and all that jazz? And the meek, harmless one who seems to avoid teachers, classmates, studies, games-and all other activities in the school hours like plague. Like the only thing that keeps them going from one day to another- is that, “there is always a new day” – with no great plans, or hopes for the newer day. The other kids always wonder if they have a voice, or an idea, or even a life, so to speak; people donot exactly queue up to become their seat partners; and they verbally apologize when a regular vibrant kid is seated next to them (by chance) – for being too boring a company! :O :O

Anyway, so everyone we see or meet, we try and relate them to the stereotypes of people we know already. Like the zabardasti motherly aunty at work who shamelessly advises the use of “a sauna belt” (winks at CutWrists ;) ) or the colleagues who show more concern (and remedies) for your acne than your mum would–err, okay..maybe this last one ain’t a stereotypical behaviour, but an embarrassing exceptional one.

Some of you may never get to see a typical office in your lifetime ( Arps, Ritz .. Hospitals must be different from regular corporates- I am sure)

Here is a list of a few office stereotypes – only the notable ones, based on my teeny bit of industry experience so far. Disclaimer: Much of it comes from offices other than my own. Also, please treat it as trash for all practical purposes except idle entertainment.

1. Stereotype Designation: Chief Information Officer
Who they really are? The Gossip Monger– they know everything. They pride themselves on what they call their “strongly intuitive people skills”, but most of what they know is information that doesn’t really justify their paycheque. They will know more about the boss’ young daughter/son’s reportable incidents than the boss himself. They will have sinister theories on why she is wearing what she is wearing (no, she can’t *like* red – she is wearing red coz person x in cubicle ten from her has indicated a preference for red), on why you are entering/ leaving the office whenever it is you do so, why such and such person said such and such thing to such and such person, and why it did not mean just that much, but actually had such and such meaning. Oh, you name it, they know it! These days, this lot has ceased to look like the typical mummy-type aunties with clerical/ secretary-like job profiles. A Professional DNA has entered the genome- they now cite “reliable sources in the industry” for information that is more corporate than neighbourhood gossip. But who are you kidding people, a gossip is a gossip by any other name. Ditto for a rumour, even if you serve it to us on a tray labeled, “Classified MIS: Management Information systems”


2. Boss -Type I

The biggest BOSS in the office. All other bosses report to him (gladly or grudgingly). He may not be evil at all, but his very mention gets the same treatment as Voldemort’s. People talk about him in a you-know-who tone; uttering the real name is almost disrespectful; at the very least, people watch their tone while using it- lest they defile it. Some really servile, spineless ones take this hypersensitive sacredness to such an extent that you can almost visualize them touching their right and left ear everytime they mention the boss ( Much like those in the art world do for the maesteros like Ustaad XYZ khan :P )
A non evil in this type, will try his best to come across as an OH-SO-SACRED-AND-YET-CHARMINGLY-PERSONABLE-COOL-CUM-AWESOME-BOSS. They want this dual comfort – the aura of sanctity, the majesty accorded to them, so that they can totally bowl people over with how unconventionally cool, non-hierarchical, simple and democratic they actually are.
For understanding an evil in this type- please try and recall Hari Sadu from the legendary Naukri advertisement. Try and use your imagination for his other traits. Others treat him like the mad street dog, you can’t afford to silence. They think he barks without reason or purpose. And the only reason they don’t bark back is that he is influential enough bite away their jobs and professional lives.

3. BOSS Type II
Bad Boys: The Necessary Evil

"Watcha gonna do… Watcha gonna do…when they come for you?" (Bad Boys, Bad Boys *chorus*)

They’re smart, they know their job. Often, better than their bosses. And they make no secret about this. They strut, they slog and they do just about everything that the boss/business wants them to do- and more. You want them- to do the superlative stuff that they do, but you hate the guts they spill out all over the office- sometimes, just for ego-kicks. There are moments when the biggest boss may be tempted to show them the door with a GOOD RIDDANCE! But then, they wouldn’t be strutting that bad if they didn’t know that the door is not an option for them. They suffer from either or both:1. excessive egotism/ narcissism/ superiority complex, and 2. a personal anguish at the seeming “not up to the mark-ness” of all of those around them- which they feel is an unfair deal for someone as gifted as they are.

Those who like them, nothing short of love them. Those who don’t, don’t. There is no middle-of-the-road opinion for this lot.
Effective leaders, typically, they have a strong fan club in the teams they lead. But, the popularity stops there-within the team.

4. BOSS Type III
The non-terrorizing boss. People (of all shapes, sizes and capacities) can walk into his cabin for a dialogue, whenever they so wish – without fear of being persecuted, even if they donot have much personal affection regard for him or much valuable content for dialogue. The results oriented ones among this type can get the team to perform, without the use of a cane. Those with low results orientation can be the typical case of (borrowing a phrase from a consultant), “the good boss turning into the goody-goody boss”- ultimately a lost case for the boss as well as his team.
Depending on his own competency levels, this boss maybe liked, loved and respected by his high-performance team (and others) or he maybe “liked a lot” by an average-peformance team- in cases when the team’s competency levels are equal to or lower vis-à-vis the boss’. In case of subordinates who see themselves as more competent than the boss, this type of bosses can be a major failure. Coz if the team’s assessment of his low competency is true, he can neither get performance out of them, nor be able to deliver himself.
Even in case the team’s assessment is wrong, the “non terrorizing” boss, if too “soft” will never be able to dispel this notion of his already skeptical and too-arrogant-to-learn subordinates , and will find it difficult to lead his team effectively for performance- by being unable to earn their regard and audience.

5. (This is specifically in response to a friend’s query)
Stereotype Designation: Greek-God/Greek Goddess in cubicle ten from you

Erm .. sorry people, no factual data to serve as evidence for his/her existence, in any office- let alone every. But hope is eternal. If ALL the bestselling novels in the world mention him/ her – there’s got to be some grain of truth in it. Maybe it’s got to be a non-Indian office? Or maybe for this to be true, you’ve got to be the Hero/ Heroine of your little office story in the first place- whose typical morning from home to work becomes the first chapter of the novel? :D
For now, if you wanna see one, go read a silly Sidney Sheldon or the like. Your office is not the place, nope!

Okay! 7 pages already, and I haven’t covered half the stereotypes in an office. Sleepy. Will sign off. Good night and god bless.

Shruti