Quick Update- thoughts, before I leave again..

I dunno where to start! As usual, the issues I need to discuss/ thoughts I wish to share are too many. And it’s almost four in the morning already. Phew!

Maybe al just mention all in pointers!

1. I love people. Yeah :D

This is the latest theme in my life. Having come across some truly brilliant, interesting, fun, nice and ‘real’ people in the recent past, (not necessarily as close friends) , I have discovered a newfound love for humanity. Yes, a bigtime departure from my line almost a year or so back, when no amount of ‘fun’/’frolic’ etc could evoke the same emotion in me (far from that, as I would constantly note in my blog those days, I had developed a certain dislike for human race. Despise would be a better word! )

Anyhow, I know that lucky as I am, to have discovered some new, really wonderful souls- in the most unexpected of all places, Looney!! (I am not saying am talking about angels here, but yeah good discoveries :-) ), I am not expecting a bed of roses in the times to come; I know that this constant and exaggerated laughter which has now become a way of life with me ( and is sweetly reminiscent of my JMC days :-) ) will not last forever. This is life, come on! You’ve got to have all the spices. Pain, tears, disappointment, etc (Argh, mummy!) all MUST be lingering somewhere around the corner, chuckling in anticipation of grabbing their interesting prey (read: me) in some time.

In fact, I am a firm believer of the following two things in life, among a few others. ( so whenever you hear me stating either of these, don’t just think it’s another platitude, a passing, hackneyed social remark such as “Hmm .. abki baar toh monsoons aayi hi nai. Sab global warming ka asar hai! ”

· Everything in this world happens for a reason. Everything that occurs is a part of larger plan, design of some supernatural (or whatever) force. In other words, some kind of good (as also, bad) will come out of everything that takes place in one’s life. Very rarely is Plan A better than Plan B (even though it may seem so to us), each has its own flipside, and advantages.) Now, that is not to say that one becomes fatalistic and never strives for goals in life! Just that, if despite one’s best efforts, something won’t come one’s way at all the way one would have liked, one should accept it with a positive mind- you never know what God ( or whoever) has in store for you! And I believe in this, not just-like-that, but because in my small and pointless life of 22 years, I have experimented and learnt this much from experience (ahh.. yeah, welcome my Old Dame with graying hair wala avatar :P ) Trust me, acceptance is the first key to the door of happiness, in any situation in life. Else, the cloud of denial, refusal blocks your vision of the silver line, and the sunshine.

· Life is Cyclical. In fact, I will go on to say, that perhaps, Everything in Life follows the fundamental of a cycle. (Once, a learned NASA scientist began this conversation with me, with a harmless question [this was during my CAT days, when an aunt mentioned at the dinner table, about me going back to Math for CAT *sigh*], “So is Zero a Whole No. or a Natural No.?” Me, being the ignorant ganwaar happily replied with the ‘correct’ answer as had been discussed in the coaching class already! Little did I know that I would be getting into a formidable discussion on principles of mathematics, long enough to ruin my desserts. Anyhow, the interesting bit in the entire convo surfaced when he touched upon the subject of cyclicity in nature. How, quite a few things in nature, in terms of timings, structures etc contain the Pi factor (22/7). Ie, display circular tendencies. Say for instance, (just a hypothetical example), the time taken by a set of chromosomes in asexual reproduction, to segregate into two- could have a factor of Pi. If all natural phenomena were to be discovered to follow a similar pattern, (a research that the Gentleman seemed to be keen on pursuing), then the law of cyclicity would be established). This would mean, that the Hindu Vedic Theory of the cyclicity of the Yugas- would be established. According to Hindu cosmology, life in the universe is created, destroyed once every 4.1 to 8.2 billion years)

Wow, I digressed from my original point: I reallllly feel that everything in my life follows a cyclical pattern. ( Guess I am talking mostly about my own life) Bouts of sheer bliss, followed by bouts of unbearable pain/trauma. Normal happiness, routine well-ness, followed by slight disturbances, small upsets.

• Emptiness

A friend and I were discussing the feeling of “Emptiness” the other day (not taking his name here, coz am not sure how comfortable he would be, being mentioned on my blog. Dude, are you reading this :-)?). It began with poetry, me bringing up one of my fav. Poets in real life (Meghna aka Ramladdoo) and my favourite small verse by her:

‘Empty shell
Empty well
Empty is the word I know,
Empty is everywhere I go.
Emptiness,
Empty flesh,
My empty cup,
Empty love
Empty I pray
In the empty day,
And empty night
An emptier life.’

Although I cannot relate to the emotion/ sentiment expressed by the poet at all, I love the simple, lyrical rhythm and the rhymeless beauty in it! However, this person could totally relate with the theme and also went on to explain it, in detail. The exact feeling, the exact situation. And I was asked how come I had never felt the same. This was the first time I thought about it, and yes, hard as I tired, I was surprised to see that I have never felt any feeling that could be termed as “empty”. I have been sad, angry, frustrated, in pain, in fear, bored, confined etc etc but NEVER empty, no!! As I reflected upon it, I then reckoned that it probably has to do with my mental make-up: there is too much noise in me: visual, verbal, mental, graphic! I am NEVER a blank slate. Never. Even when I am not talking, talking talking, I am never QUIET inside. My mind is always on the move, engaged in a parallel universe of its own, full of characters (real or fictional, existent/ non-existent!), with stories, events, dialogues, ideas, feelings; inside my mind, several short movies are being screened one after the other. When I am not engaged in the world outside, I am comfortably engaged inside, in the parallel universe, which is just as interesting, exciting, engaging, sad or whatever, as I want it to be. So much so, that I am often totally cut-off from the world outside, and have to be snapped to attention, very often. (I assume it must reflect in a slightly ‘lost’ look on my face sometimes. Seriously, sometimes, I carry off entire face to face conversations, having registered merely 20% of what is being said!) However, as I thought about it again today. I guessed that I had faced situations/ frame of mind close to “Emptiness” as we discussed it, some years back, but I am not sure if it was the same thing- and anyhow, the memory is now too hazy for me to be sure abt that!

Ohkay, something weird after a loongg time… A conversation late in the day (followed by some idle wandering of the mind, on some developments that otherwise miss my notice) made me think of certain things. Brought back memories, feelings of not all that distant past. As usual, I typed a verse, in the same coded fashion, that provides the best catharsis to my soul :-) I will not mention whom the verse is addressed to- even though they are all well-wishers.

‘I do!’? .. I Don’t!

I have tears, too!

I swear, I do.

Maybe I should have shown you,

Some time, when you were busy assessing my due,

When their needs seemed right, and mine too few.

Maybe I should have sat you down, bared my heart,

Laid out my needs and wishes apart,

Listing out what I did seek,

Was I too quiet? Was I too meek?

But,

I was never sad, you see!

Not pining to share my heart with thee!

I was rather happy with me,

With my wants, and wish and fantasy.

I needed not your paint or brush,

I’m sorry, I did well with my own,

Did I hear their palate crush?

And now you want me to sit and mourn?

But I can’t! I just can’t feel their loss,

Did you ever hear me promise a gain?

But, my pleas, with such ease you cross!-Oh! Is this fair? Is this sane?

You rolled your eyes,

You raised your brow,

You dished out advice,

When I never asked you How!

Hey, I know you cared enough.

And would not want to hurt me so,

But did I look too strong and tough?

To take it all, and let it go!

It hurt, everytime you knowingly smiled,

It was not funny- though ill- contrived.

Every well-meaning chuckle- annoyed,

And you really wanted me to feel buoyed?

At first, it was just awkward, a bit.

And unsettling it grew to be,

Did you not see me avoid your fit?

Did it not matter what became of me?

I wish you could have seen my hurt,

Even though it was pale- in your eyes,

I wish you could have felt my cringe,

While defining my personal paradise!

I often sit and wonder why,

I often marvel at how and how,

did you think my feelings ran dry,

Just coz they weren’t as they’d like them, now!

Should I have shed a tear or two?

Coz I can cry, cry I do.

Only, this was not important enough for me,

To make me think, and weigh, what was to be!

Until you pointed, and publicly opined,

I never knew I’d have to shout my mind.

And I decided to keep mum, instead.

You'd never listen, to anything I said.

...